Snowflakes.

Walking around the city this year...HUGE snowflakes. So different from last year, toting an oxygen tank, dreading the walk.
Bring it on winter. Me and my cousin in the winter wonderland.






All I want for Christmas this year is for these lungs to keep on working, breathing, pumping. Keep getting healthy. My house this weekend. There was so much snow, we had a power outage on Sunday night, thankfully all the Christmas cookies were already baked!

this too shall pass...

When I was in what felt like the depths of hell recovering after my transplant ...my good friend SH wrote on a piece of paper, "This too shall pass", so that I could look at that paper every day, every hour, every minute if need be...and this too would pass....

A family member passed away on the weekend from a house fire. He was so young. Too young. I did not know him very well, But from what I do remember he had the biggest smile you would ever see. I don't think anyone had a mean word to say against him.

I'm not a religious person, but I saw this quote last week "God never said life would be easy...he just said it would be worth it"...but seriously...his poor family, why does tragedy strike again and again in the same place. They lost their father to cancer a few years ago, and now their son, brother, cousin, friend....

I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. But I'm just having a really hard time trying to see the reasoning for B's passing....

My heart grieves for everyone who knew him...I'm so sorry. Those words seem inadequate, barren, useless.....faulty. Rest in Peace.

forgetting to breathe

I was reading back over my blogs from a year ago...when I was really sick. Man oh man....breathing is SO easy now. I'm almost beginning to forget about the girl who wrote this post so long ago.....

Jan 2010

"It's hard though not to worry about waiting three days for medicine, when your lungs feel sluggish. Like your chest is swimming against an undertow current. Moving your chest against this thick, thick, heavy, dark, enclosure of water, heavy quicksand and it's pushing, rushing, shoving, enveloping your lungs. You can't get breath down into the lower lobes of your lungs. You can't breathe deep enough to fill all the nooks and crannies that need to be filled for a simple inhale, exhale of breath. Just one breath that so many of us take for granted, and yet so many of us strive and struggle with...just a simple inhale, exhale leaves some of us breathless.

Sometimes it feels as if a piece of metal has been shoved in between your top lung lobes and your bottom lobes, scraping the tender pink tissues of your precious lungs, making a horrible mess inside, causing your tender lungs to bleed and exacerbate.
Your breath refuses to get down deep enough, won't get down deep enough, can't get down deep enough. Mix that, with the struggle to inhale breath into your lungs against the sluggish quicksand trying to drown you... and sometimes it's a little scary, a little overwhelming, a little daunting. There is nothing you can do about it, and you worry about getting sicker, you worry that the water will get so thick, that your chest will no longer be able to push out and thrive even a little bit against the pressure, and you worry about how much time your losing by not being put on drugs right away, because it's scary how fast CF can turn on you, it's scary how fast your lungs can decide to call it quits, they can't swim against that water anymore, it's too thick, it's too sluggish,and it's just too hard for them...it can turn in a day, without any regard for you. That's what it feels like sometimes in a bad moment, in a bad glimpse, in a bad breath...."

This weekend we had a snowstorm, power outage, the whole bit...so I closed my curtains to my apartment for the first time since last winter to try to keep the heat in....I remember struggling last year SO much to close those curtains because it would leave me breathless. This year, I did not struggle with being out of breath. Breathing through my nose.

original hardware

My grandma said to me this week, that I had not updated my blog, so this one is for G ma! (yes my grandma has a computer AND it's a mac. and she even texts!) It's been kind of slow in the CF and Lung world. Which is a good thing, cause my life has been SUPER busy outside of the hospital world.

Hattitude, my jewellery business (www.GotHattitude.com) is going crazy busy for the holidays. Everyone is christmas shopping. I have to get some new ones up on the site this week, they're all selling out for gifts.

I on the other hand still only have one present....GAH. It's not like I have not been looking, I just cannot seem to find anything good enough for everyone. I know, I know it's the thought that counts...but really come on... my family and friends have gone to the end of the earth and back for me this year. I don't know how I got so lucky, thus I would like if their presents could be just as good. Maybe I will wrap my chest up in a big bow, and stand under the Christmas tree and the lungs can be their gift? haha

This week I saw 127 hours, and it did lead to some inspiration as to what to get my brothers for Christmas.

We decorated the condo this week for Christmas! Our first christmas in the cityyyyy. (sort of, half the time I am there by myself, the other half it's just me and mom, but it's still fun to come home to a decorated place!) I cannot wait to get a tree for our house house though, and for it to smell like Christmas. This year I'll actually be able to enjoy going to cut the tree, instead of hauling my butt out the door begrudgingly in snow pants, and watching my brothers have a snowball fight, while I sit on the side lines, freezing, trying to catch a breath.

This weekend was the kick off start to Christmas parties. As I was sitting surrounded by all my family...I realized...GAH, this is the first Christmas without all my original hardware intact. I definitely last Christmas, was not thinking to myself, this'll be the last year with these lungs. I think about my donor all the time. I want to get my letter out to his family ( I think of my donor as a male...just some gut feeling I have) for this Christmas. It is going to be SUCH a lonely christmas without their loved one this season. My heart breaks for them.

I especially feel guilty because if my donor had not passed away, I would not be here...is it sick to be happy that someone else is dead?

No but that's not it...I am not at all happy that my donor is dead. I'm happy my family does not have to spend christmas without me, I'm happy I get to spend another Christmas and birthday (23 on the 23rd!) I'm happy I can dream of a future now, and that I am still here and BREATHING...but still I can't help but feel a little guilty that I am so happy to be alive while my donor was not so lucky. Especially at Christmas. It feels almost like yesterday that I was in the hospital. That four months ago, I could not even walk let alone carry a purse, or pour a glass of juice. The human body is amazing how it can recuperate, rejuvenate and breathe. I am carrying around a HUGE purse now. Loving that everything fits in to one place. I wear a big winter wool coat with pleasure, and I pour my own juice...haha

Five months yesterday and I was waking up to a nurse saying, "Hattie...your lungs are here". Thank you thank you thank you.