to face your own mortality once...

sorry to leave everyone hanging...but the last two and half weeks were SO not fun, and I didn't want to bring you in to the mix...because well they had me fretting I might have lymphoma....before you start freaking out like I did, fall off your chair, spill your morning coffee and say NO...give her a break! I don't have lymphoma, if you were holding your breath, you can breathe now. It's okay.

The second time I went in to the hospital was for this weird eye thing (it would start watering etc) and that coupled with my CMV count rising AND this weird "abnormality" they found on an MRI they did of my neck and head, landed me in casa de hospital.

There was a bacteria outbreak on the floor, and I had JUST got my picc line pulled, and I begged and pleaded (yes I did pull out some water works...hey I was SO caught off guard). SO after them telling me I had to come in because to get a biopsy done and another MRI would have taken weeks even months, and apparently "we didn't have that sort of time to wait for" if I'm an inpatient, it all got done that day.

At 3 pm I was wheeled in to to get ANOTHER picc line inserted. I know..boo, just when summer dresses were becoming the norm. With 3 tries on one arm and finally got it in the next arm, as if thats not bad enough at 4pm I was wheeled up to ENT (ear nose and throat) to have this biopsy done. (Luckily I had my friend ativan with me, you didn't think I'd do this solo did you?) yet still those two traumatic events, were not enough. Ativan is good, but not THAT good. I was left on the table with one of those bright lights you always see in the movies when someone opens their eyes after surgery (only unfortunately I was awake the whole time) shaking (defence mechanism when pain emotionally and physically is too much?) and me listening to the nurse and doctor argue about who and where the biopsy is going to go since it's after hours and there is no fridge now. I'm like really? are you for serious? I need to get out of here. You two are stressing me out even more. The Picc line is actually becoming an old hat. dare I say it...even an old friend now?...compared to other torturous procedures I would take Mr. P-I-C-C any day now.

so a biopsy eh. I know right?! a biopsy of the back of my nose. If you ever have to get one done...just say no. no. you refuse. ha kidding, not knowing if you have or might not have lymphoma is probably worse, mentally you kind of go in to a haze.
Biopsy of the nose are one of the WORST things in life that I have encountered. Shoving a rod up your nose, down in to your throat, and ripping and tearing a chunk of skin off the back of your throat, not ONCE...but TWICE. not cool my friends. not cool

To face your own mortality once is enough to lend you to have nightmares, the occasional break down and of course the living by the slogan of "live every moment as if it were your last" ...mentally you have to be all there ...So to face ones own mortality TWICE...and maybe have PTLD (Post-transplant lymphoproliferative disorder) well kids then you have a whole new ball game and I don't even know where to begin to tell you my mind set was.

Check up was last week after being released from hospital last weekend. I went to the doctors for a check up after they released me from hospital and they said the preliminary results of the biopsy were no malignant tumour or anything (my MRI showed a weird "stuff" at the back of my nose). PHEW they only had me pooping duckies ever since they started tossing the word cancer, and chemo and all this other horrible words around.

So now all that is left to deal with since this eye and neck pain (which I've had for 6 weeks) still continue to bother me is to figure out what the heck it is. They've ruled out the big C(cancer) word so thats good, althought what a way to figure out it's just something simple and normal like "severe allergies". Hopefully it's just something SO easy to fix like allergies.

My lung team has me in a petrie dish that ANY abnormality HAS to be lymphoma or some other awful thing, I doubt the "allergy" diagnosis grows when one looks at another through the eyes of a microscope...the whole being under a  microscope is started to cramp my style, especially being thrown, jailed, locked and keyed in to the hospital, TWICE.

On the plus side, I thought it would be WONDERFUL to get up to my cottage this weekend, have a relaxing time with my friends and take in the beauty of georgian bay.

On the down side I ended up with heat stroke and barfed for a good 14 hours, straight.

How did my dad spend his fathers day? switching out my throw up bowls at 4am in the morning, and running out to get me benedryl, gravol, the whole works. Father of the year award ladies and gentlemen. So what did I learn from all this: always read the fine print on your medicine bottles, when it says STAY OUT OF SUN...I suggest you STAY OUT OF SUN
On the plus side, since I have a picc line in, I was able to hydrate myself with saline and dopped myself up on bendryl, and feeling udos better just in time for the MAINSTREET STRUT for the cure. In three days, salsa lessons, guys and dolls competition and music! Great way to kick off our summer for the fashion show on August 25th, 2011. You better believe I'll be out there wigglin' my hips to the latina music! 


Here's the email the lady team sent out to everyone:

The Mainstreet Strut returns in three days from today on Thursday, June 23rd 2011! This will be the ONLY pre-fundraising event so be sure to make it out. Please feel free to pass the invite onto friends!

Doors open at 8pm - $10, all proceeds go to CFforCF

9:00PM - FREE SALSA LESSON
Come enjoy a free salsa lesson and take part in The Mainstreet Strut's famed live auction! We have some unique and exciting items! Ladies practice your bidding! You'll take home a Girl's Night Out prize; 14 ladies will be treated to a luxury limo ride to Tapas Lounge for a wonderful night of chatting and dancing (champagne 

included)!

11:00PM - GUYS & DOLLS CHALLENGE
As the later hours arrive, don't miss our version of Guys & Dolls.
1 Lass and 1 Lad will go head to head in a fierce competition! They will each be given 4 minutes to dress, accessorize and beautify 3 willing models!

The rest of the night, it's your job to mix, mingle, dance and enjoy The 2011 Mainstreet Strut (for the cure).

Couture Fashion for a Cure Found is back!

Tickets for the Fashion Show (Thursday, August 25th 2011) will be available at the door or can be purchased online at www.ticketpicket.com/cfforcf

---------------------------------------------------------------

Kind regards,

Couture Fashion for a Cure Found Committee

Follow us on twitter @CFforCF
Find us on Facebook Couture Fashion for a Cure Found 2011
Check us out online www.cfforcf.com

Jewellery Show Rescheduled

BOOO my doctor and body have the WORST timing in the world. I was RE- hospitalized on wednesday. With not so pretty news. Here's a notice I sent out to my email listing, so if you're not on it, and were thinking of coming to the show, here is the email:

I'm Sorry, but my jewellery show this weekend has been rescheduled until a later date. I will keep you updated as to when it will be. 

My new collection with over 70 new pieces, will just have to wait a little bit longer to be presented! Trust me...it'll be worth the wait ;) 

I will keep you updated as to when the show is being rescheduled for, but as of right now there is no jewellery show this weekend. Sorry for the inconvenience.


You've Got Hattitude Jewellery 

2nd hospital visit of 2011

I was admitted to the hospital tuesday evening. Wump wump (thats for you C and C haha)

I woke up at three on tuesday morning not being able to sleep because of incredible pain in my neck. I stayed awake until noon, lying in bed, in between the pain, breathlessnes, and deleriousness from lack of sleep, I went to my GP. I had a fever of 38.9, breathing was rapid... he sent us down to TGH. We went straight to my coordinator. My nurse practitioner saw me, got the paper work started, one of my favourite docs was seeing in patients, so he took care of the plan. We went down to emerge to wait for a bed...on the way down I threw up as soon as I got off the elevator, my mom was wheeling me in a wheel chair right up to the ol' garbage can...TMI? Well if a little bit of throw up makes you squeemish you should know by now NOT to read this blog, but head over to this one...Hattitude Artistic Style Blog...Click here.

Buh so after barfing in front of many onlookers, (after a double lung tx, there are some privacy issues that go out the door as they make the first cut with the knife across your chest) I was wheeled to emerge, went to a room, did the reuglar, got an ECG of my heart, an IV started (of course the first one didnt work, it never does and of course murphys law, you get your picc line pulled you HAVE to get sick 5 days later, i just had my picc line pulled friday and was enjoying all of life's beauty with bare sleeves) blood drawn, and then I asked for some heavier duty pills so I could finally finally escape this hell hole of pain in my neck.

So I've been in here for a few days, and I think after sleeping straight the first 24 hours that I'm finally feeling betteer. They put me on an antibiotic, because they think I might have sinitus, as a lot of it has to do with swollen glands, stuffy nose, etc.

I think and eventually now they do too..my body is saying slow the heck down Hattitude. My breathing is totally fine again. Glands have gone down. Nose is back to semi normal. Still tired, but with a haemoglobin of 78 you can't except much less. Sorry poor body. You must be tired as all hell.

I think I caught a virus. This last little while has been one of the busiest of my life, between partying, always hanging out with friends, (I guess I'm making up for loss time, and the time that maybe I won't have in the future) organizing a fantastic co-ed baseball game, bbqing, meetings for the CF for CF fashion show (tickets went on sale on wednesday! Click here to get some) organizing a video for the Friends for life foundation that raises money for CF and cancer the holly wood gala I'm going to on the 17^th, doing exercise with my trainer, AND biggest of all working all day every day on my jewellery show creating, designing and inspiring my new collection of jewellery it's happening on the 11^th and 12^th, check it out here....I guess I was just too busy? Readig that list you wouldn't think so would you? Ha
Maybe I am trying to prove something? Like you didn't break me? I can have my health fail me, death knocking at my door, organs ripped out, heart broken, my life what some would say destroyed, annhialated in the blink of an eye...but nothing anyone does will ever break me? Who am I trying to prove something too? The world? Whoever did this to me? You? I'm not sure. Me?

Anyways so whoops now I'm in the hospital hooked up to an IV..bollocks. Way to blow it eh?

They started running all these tests just to rule out all the bad things...and then they found some kidney stones...double bollocks.

I also finished my book the third in the hunger games series. It is actually A-may-zing. 

Co-ed baseball game I organized last weekend...lungs vs. regulars - great turn out!

My Jewellery Show...soon!

sneak peaks

new designs

New collection

****update. I am now out of the hospital. I made my escape yesterday afternoon! I wrote this Thursday night but just was able to post it now! Feeling SO much better...enjoying this thunderstorm as I'm sure it means Bree is saying hello, she LOVED her thunder storms :) ****